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Feel like I'm talking to a wall

September 19th, 2008 at 09:43 am

Warning: Rant.

So I'm back to being frustrated with my mother again. I just don't get what it is that SHE doesn't get!! I feel like if I don't give very clear directives on her money, then she just goes and spends spends spends on who knows what.

Yes I KNOW that's she's bored, depressed, upset, etc etc etc. She's been home since the end of May, just waiting to find out what's next with treatment. She finally found out she doesn't need chemo and she starts radiation on Monday. But HELLO?? Now more than ever she needs to pay attention to the things around her. It seems to me she's refusing.

I'm also picking up an odd sense of entitlement from her. I can't figure this one out! All I hear from her is that she doesn't make enough money. I disagree! She makes plenty to pay her bills. I just can't figure out where she's blowing it all away. She spends more than I do at the grocery store and there are two of us and just one of her.

So she seems to think she's entitled to financial aid for this and that. Thank GOODNESS she was approved for financial aid at the hospital because that really would have been the end of her finances forever. That was a huge approval. Now she's upset because fuel assistance says she makes too much money to qualify. Their income requirements must be ridiculously low to deny her application. Ok, so PLAN to pay for fuel. I've been trying to convince her of this for MONTHS. Nope, she actually wanted to call and appeal the fuel decision and let them know she was worried about medical bills. WHAT medical bills????? Well when she applied, she WAS still worried about medical bills. She hadn't been approved for the medical financial aid yet, and fuel assistance still denied her.

So I don't know what else to do but to take more control over things. She refuses to but someone HAS to. She didn't get paid two weeks ago because of a clerical error. Instead of being proactive and calling to make sure her sick pay is all set, she just sits around and waits to see if a direct deposit goes through. When it doesn't, she sits and waits to see if a check will arrive. HUH? I work in payroll and trust me, if you don't get paid and you don't notify me of the problem - you're not getting paid!! So today is pay day and on Wednesday I sent my mom an email asking her if maybe she could log in to find out if she was getting paid today. Thankfully, she was!! Four weeks worth of pay! I don't think she understands how LUCKY she is that she gets this sick pay.

So I'm trying something different this time. I gave her an allowance of $160 for gas/groceries, $50 fun money (this is a FIRST), plus money for the rent. The rest went into savings for fuel this winter. I thought this fun money would be good for her to blow on whatever she wanted. She actually got defensive with me when I suggested this concept along with examples of WANTS vs. NEEDS. This is the point where I start banging my head against the wall. Yup, again I don't think she knows how FORTUNATE she is that she has that gas/grocery and fun money allowance over the next two weeks.

Yes I know she's supposed to be an adult, but she sure doesn't act like it or take responsibility for anything! Her view on money is having the ability to see what is currently in her checking account - that's IT. No concept of money management whatsoever.

I really just needed to vent. This is taking such a toll on me lately.

7 Responses to “Feel like I'm talking to a wall”

  1. Broken Arrow Says:

    Well, good luck! I don't know if I can do what you do in your situation.

  2. dmontngrey Says:

    Thanks BA. I honestly don't know how I haven't ended up in a mental institution yet! If you even knew about everything I have to deal with. Yes, I know some folks face tougher situations. I've really had enough with mine. See why I'm just not in the mood for a flooded third floor right now? *sigh*

  3. merch Says:

    You can force a horse to water, but you can not force it to drink.

    Sorry I don't have much better advice then that.

  4. dmontngrey Says:

    Yeah, but if I don't force her to do anything - she will freeze this winter. Seriously, she has alienated all but one fuel delivery company in the area. The one remaining company only delivers to her C.O.D. No one else will even talk to her.

  5. Joan.of.the.Arch Says:

    dmontgrey, is this new behavior on her part? Something that started after her illness? I know it must be maddening. I have a"friend" who does about the same thing. It has taken me many years to build up an emotional immunity to her impulsive ways that end up leaving her unable to pay her basic bills. One time when she thought she was going to live in her car, I accepted the care of her fish in my home, but did not offer her any money bail-out, as she was probably asking indirectly. At this moment she is overdrawn on her bank account and all of her basic bills are past due. But at least she isn't my mother!

  6. dmontngrey Says:

    No, this isn't new behavior. She has always been like this. I'm just now really seeing what's going on and just now trying to take control and change ways. She's NOT currently overdrawn on her accounts (YAY!!!!)and it has only been this way for a few months now. I've spent so many years feeling bad for her since she has no money. Yes, I've shuffled way too much money her way because of this. I'm just NOT going to be an enabler to her ways anymore. So there have been improvements - just not enough for me to feel comfortable. I do think this has gotten worse since she got sick though. She's coming across as expecting so much special treatment because of this illness. Sorry, this is real life we're living in.

  7. MICLASON Says:

    ((hugs)) I know how you feel, I went through the same thing with my Mom! Hang in there!

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