Oh boy, long rant. I'm just beyond frustrated at this point and I really don't know what to do!
So growing up, I always just knew my mom as having no money, not making much at work. She claimed not to make enough to live on. Last winter was the worst - constantly calling me crying, out of fuel and had no heat. Or telling me she couldn't afford gas/milk/bread/you name it. Well I jumped in and took "control" over her finances a little over a year ago. It really has taken a year for me to truly understand how things work in her budgeting life. Uh, they DON'T!!
Well let's start with most recent and work backwards. So my mom's checking account balance is currently -$0.26. Yes, negative. She gets paid every two weeks and was paid on Friday. Yesterday I logged in (to torture myself?) and saw that her available balance was $2.56. I sent her an email, as nice as I could, asking her if she realized she had spent $134.53 since 12/18 at the store she works at. Half came out of her checking account and half was put on the store charge card. I informed her that often folks have trouble seeing where there money is going and I was wondering if she was having problems with this. I also told her what her current balance was. Well today, lo and behold, a pending charge for $2.82 has done away with her balance and then some!
My mom didn't email me back and I'm not sure if she's mad at me or herself at this point! The really sad thing is: this is where the entitlement mentality kicks into overdrive with her. I don't know why, but she seems to think the world owes her something most of the time. I'll tell you the honest truth - she has plenty of money to pay ALL her bills, afford food/heat/fuel for the car. If she would just build up a fund for heating expenses and property taxes, there WOULD be money left over for fun purchases! I can't even get her to that point though.
I have tried everything. More control for her, less control for her, everything in between. Now we're to the point I don't give her a say in anything. Oh boy I'm in trouble if I let her have any input! Many many times I've asked her to schedule a payment for something - and she doesn't. She still owes me $350 from last winter's heating fiasco. Yes I know I wont see that, along with the THOUSANDS of dollars I've paid off for her over the years. Debt *I* am still paying off! Oh yes, we had a payment schedule set up for this as well.
She has charged off a few credit cards, including a charge card at the store she works at. WTF was this store thinking giving her a new account last year?? She was so happy - her credit was good! My mother does NOT understand credit - not even one tiny bit. She thinks "Well I'll just put it on my card and pay it off later!" Uh, with what money?
She spends twice what I do at the grocery store - one of her and two of us!
I sent her to Walgreens the other day to pick up $6.00 worth of stuff with coupons. She spent almost $25.00 - on what?
I just don't want the stress and responsibility of her finances anymore, but if I don't do this - she'll instantly drown. She is NOT responsible enough to do this on her own. She has public records on her credit reports from non-payment of property taxes, been taken to court for non-payment of services to a local contractor, charged off a few credit cards, written bad checks at local stores, been sent to collections for various other items not paid, etc...
I don't know what to do short of opening another bank account for her that she doesn't have access to!!!
Frustrated with my mother
January 14th, 2009 at 07:06 pm
January 14th, 2009 at 07:20 pm 1231960820
Of course, just my opinion based on what you wrote.
January 14th, 2009 at 07:22 pm 1231960933
January 14th, 2009 at 07:25 pm 1231961144
January 14th, 2009 at 07:30 pm 1231961423
Oh, and not a dime from me!! The last time I gave her money was a year ago and she was to pay me back. She didn't and that came out of MY personal allowance. No more ever again, I don't care how bad it gets.
Oh - I don't spend her money, she does! All I do is tell her who to pay, how much, when, and what to put in savings temporarily for next pay day. She is shut off from all fuel companies in the area (except for one) for non-payment - and I already bought her a space heater!!! *sigh*
January 14th, 2009 at 07:38 pm 1231961914
January 14th, 2009 at 07:49 pm 1231962575
I, in response, tightened on the finances, but that only inflamed her sense of entitlement, which spiraled out of control, ultimately leading to our divorce....
Anyway, if you really want to make a difference (and I'm not saying you have to go this far), you have to somehow address her sense of entitlement. If she can't change her mind about that, then there's no way any of this will change, no matter who is in control and how it's managed.
But even then, I'm not sure if that's something that CAN be done, or SHOULD be done. You're an adult, she's an adult, you have your own life to worry about, she may never listen. Who knows?
Anyway, I very much sympathize with you. Best of luck.
January 14th, 2009 at 07:55 pm 1231962954
January 14th, 2009 at 07:57 pm 1231963030
January 14th, 2009 at 09:44 pm 1231969454
January 15th, 2009 at 12:29 am 1231979363
Well I am happy to say that she did respond to my email regarding the spending at work. She basically said she did not know she had spent so much there and she was trying to add up her slips to see how it happened. Ok, that's a start. She said she found four items totalling $12.88 that she can return tomorrow. Again, a SMALL start. The rest she can't (already washed/worn socks, undies) or wont (a $3.66 gift for my brother) return. Still, WOW, that's a lot of money for someone who didn't have it.
So I really mean it when I thank everyone for their comments. A lot to think about. My mom's surgery is scheduled for Feb 17th, so me dropping her finances now is just NOT a good idea.
January 15th, 2009 at 12:36 am 1231979794
Hang in there! You're doing a good thing by helping your mom. Maybe once things settle down for her you can come up with a different system. Your mom is lucky to have you for a daughter!
January 15th, 2009 at 02:42 am 1231987331
Hope things improve soon.
January 15th, 2009 at 02:05 pm 1232028324
January 15th, 2009 at 07:52 pm 1232049127
January 18th, 2009 at 09:03 pm 1232312622
I think my own mother is just narcissistic, and because of that, can't deal with anything. Especially money.
When I was little, I remember getting ice cream about once a month. It was always at the end of the month. My mother would dump out the piggy bank full of pennies, and we all went out for ice cream. Never mind eggs or milk. She borrowed tons of money from my grandparents, took many extra jobs, but it never mattered. We rarely had a spare dime for school trips or anything like that. She was a terrible parent. TERRIBLE. And to make it worse, she is a school teacher who should have known better.
Every dime my mother spends is to make herself seem "better" to people who don't know her as well as my brother and sister and I do. Better make up, more clothes, fancy plants for the yard, a new car, presents for people she barely knows, art for her house, etc. etc. She doesn't donate to charities (unless she can impress someone by doing so), doesn't do much for the grand kids or kids.
When we were kids, if she gave us money for something (and in that I include violin lessons and soccer dues) she would say to us at a convenient time, "You need to help me _______!" And if we argued at all, or god forbid, were busy doing homework (so we could get into college and GET OUT OF THERE!), she would say, "I paid $20 for your violin lesson this month and you owe me!"
Yep, some entitlement issues here, too. She just feels like she has gotten a raw deal on everything. She told me that the only reason my husband and I have been married for almost 20 years is because we were "lucky to find the right person." She's been married 3 times for 6, 3, and 2 years and can't see that she has anything to do with her failures. Same with money.
My sister and brother and I constantly marvel at how we've all done fairly well, despite neglect we endured as children. Really, it's almost comical. She's so crazy and irresponsible at 67! And yet, my mother has everyone fooled. Everyone in her town thinks she's just the best. They don't know that she doesn't pay her bills or take care of things she needs to. It's been 40 years of that. Or maybe everyone does know, but feels sorry for her. We all moved far away!
So, no advice, sorry. But you're not alone.
January 18th, 2009 at 09:29 pm 1232314156
I really really do appreciate you sharing your story! It means so much to know I'm NOT the only one dealing with similar issues. Thank you!